Getting to Know Your Wifi Neighbors
By Sara Becker
We all have neighbors. For the most part, we prefer they remain invisible. The only hint of their existence being their piles of abandoned Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons and the fact that the lobby door is never quite closed. How do we know we’re not sharing a wall with serial killers and kleptomaniacs? We don’t. But scanning through their Wifi networks provides an insightful peek behind the curtain.
*These are all real Wifi networks.
SecretService
All clear, over. Am I standing in an empty apartment? I’m not authorized to say but my podiatrist has asked that I do less standing, prescribing me these special silent gym shoes. They’re black. While you, tween in 4B try to hack into my internet connection, I am listening to every one of your phone calls. What you said to Sierra last night wasn’t nice. You should apologize. Now.
JeanClaudeVandam
You may know that I’m flexible but you may not know that I am a genius. For proof, examine my Cookie Philosophy. I don’t believe cookies have souls like some people do, they’re just cookies. And before they were cookies, they were just milk and eggs. But in eggs there’s the potential for life. My favorite cookies? Easy. White powder cookies. They give me super strength in case your dog craps on my doorstep. Non doggie, non!
Shitface
After my ex moved out and took my favorite books with him, I decided to commemorate his absence with a gesture and named my brand new, un-shared, I pay for it all by myself each month, wifi after him. Shitface, you are not missed.
Ivanhoe
So, the Saxons and the Normans haven’t talked for, like, ever. I, Sir Alfred of Ivanhoe, got in big trouble with my dad for following King Richard the Lionheart, and he disinherited me. Naturally, I went undercover as a pilgrim, a castle fell, Robin Hood showed up, we all fought for love. Things got messy. Let’s just say, it’s complicated.
StrikingBeauty — 5G
After an appointment with Doctor Afriditi at 96th and 3rd, I am proud to unveil the upgraded version of this network. It’s as new and fabulous as I am.
Holidayclub
Our decorations never come down. Ever. Because Christmas is always on the horizon and taking them down is a sign that you’ve just given up on living. Plus, there’s always another holiday around the corner. We have rigorous admittance rules. To enter, bring: one snowglobe, three ornaments, a menorah and box of candles, a tray of Kwanzaa cookies, and a lawn leprechaun.
Bowie’s Secret Spy Network
The sun machine is coming down, and we’re gonna have a party. Tomorrow, so you’ve been warned. We throw parties that cause building wide hysteria and walk heavy, because what’s the use in taking a step you don’t mean? Our password used to be lightning bolt. We had to change it for obvious reasons. Wait, there are two spy networks in this building?
ZAFTIG
You have no idea what’s behind these walls. This apartment is a chateau for every ounce of the multi lingual, brisket based, well learned, queen that I am. You can kiss my ring right after you kiss my curves. I am magnificent.
