The Shame Test

Oh, the embarrassment! The unceasing, impossibly relentless waves of horror that have been unleashed by a simple, seemingly innocuous sentence. “No, I haven’t seen it.”

In a relationship, both parties must forge through a myriad of hurdles, lace trimmed and not. Remember that time you threw up into a too-tall garbage on a subway platform dressed as the Hormone Monster and he yelled at a homeless person that this was not the time to fish for bottles.

Or when you, invited him to move in, opening up a solid third of your closet to his mannish wares.

All the trials and romance have landed you here. Just two butts on a velvet couch scrolling through endless movies. Perhaps a thriller? “Nah, seen it. Not good.” Or how about this? “Not in the mood.” After thirty minutes of tension building scrolling, it dawns on both of you that Netflix is a relationship buster disguised as a library. Like playing an at home version of Jeopardy with zero prizes, a guaranteed fail rate, and no silver fox to mediate.

And now, as you stare, blue light reflecting off your irises, neither of you can quite believe what you’re hearing because YOU, you’ve never seen Star Wars and he has never seen Singing in the Rain. Dear readers, spare your judgement, because more judgement than you can even imagine has already been passed.

She hasn’t seen Star Wars? Who is this person on the left side of the bed? Do I even know her?

And HE, a fan of old movies and old comedies has never seen Donald O’Connor run up a wall.

There is only one solution and it seems like something the venerable Alex Trebek would endorse: The Shame Test. You sit your partner in front of the boob tube and do not let them leave until they have watched the film you’re most ashamed they’ve never seen.

We live in what still seems to be a democracy so of course, you have to take turns. Everyone wins, everyone feels the burn of being forced to spend 90 minutes watching something out of spite. George Lucas would be horrified at the very idea that it would take 350 words and a vast sea of disappointment to convince a woman to sit down and watch his opus.

Good luck to you all. May the force be with you.