Breaking: Your Period is Afraid of the News
Women, goddesses all, are tied to a universal force, the power of the moon. Every 28 days, as it circled and the tide rolled in and out, we got on board. For centuries we’ve scrounged for our most forgiving sacks, lunged after chocolate, and talk-screamed our feelings. Yet, the news cycle from the last 12 months seems to have achieved the impossible, throwing the moon and the women of planet Earth out of their orbit. Gravitational forces have nothing on the kind of stress that a Tweet can unleash. Not even Elizabeth Warren can save us now.
No amount of science, mysticism, or magic crystals can replace the fact that our
goddamn periods are afraid of the goddamn news. Still not convinced?
-In your fantasies, you’ve replaced “Legends of the Fall” Brad Pitt with Steve Kornacki’s khakis.
-The sight of a rioter with his feet on Nancy Pelosi’s desk triggered you to black out and when you came to you were holding your couch above your head proving once again that superhuman female strength is real.
-Pancake makeup and bright overhead lighting has turned your body into one giant cramp. You are the living embodiment of Montgomery Burns’ closed fist.
-Your pandemic pants are your period pants.
-Biden’s inaugural speech found you weeping tears of joy on your living room floor while tissues flew around you like a scene out of The Matrix.
-You’ve built a “breaking news” yelling chamber out of super strength pads.
-Reading Marjorie Taylor Greene’s claim that Jewish space lasers caused the California wildfires made your face freeze just like your mom’s does when she’s mad. Time to get a Costco membership.
-You consumed untold bags of Trader Joes’ cheesy poofs while watching a violent mob break into the Capitol. You are now a principal shareholder.
-Your body sighed so hard when Trump got banned from Twitter than your boobs dropped another inch.
-Yelling at anti-vaxxers while wearing your N95 has resulted in a heretofore unknown form of period enhanced maskne. Calling all dermatologists, send help.
